i havent been sober in over a month. im shaky all the time. i need to calm down. i just need to sleep, but I actually sleep too much.
i love seeing boys exasperated, physically tired, as if they cant go on any longer. i like to fantasize about telling them what my dad always told me, "keep ur chin up" but actually hold it up for them. be there for them so they dont have to see me as an addition to their burden. from my window i see boys on their bikes trying to get to the end. heads down, going as slow as they can on the highest gear so as to not denote weakness. low gears are for girls and gays. they look so tired. i want them to take a load off, take their load off on me. i want to give so much. i'm a giver.
the giving tree, that book you read in elementary school, that book always scared me. i couldnt understand why. that fucking tree just kept giving. everytime i would read it i would cry. hearing the title of it now makes me scrunch up my shoulders like i can shrug it off and forget it competely. makes me wiggle my fingertips like im some kind of witch. i can still see that little face in the tree saying, "i have given you all i have little kid. i cant do anything more for you." and then he takes more. i dont care if its supposed to be a happy ending, its not. its horrifying. its a horror book. im so scared of being the tree. i dont want to be cut down. ultimately if i die a fully formed person i would be incredibly surprised. maybe i just have to wait for the next life.
if i were to take a picture of something i would take a picture of a donkey. i would love to be in a place where there are donkeys. if i were an animal i would be a donkey.